Boundaries 101: Boundaries in Action
The concept of “boundaries” is popular in self-help circles, but if you are confused about what boundaries actually are, you are not alone! You may have questions like, what do they look like, and how do you create them? Follow along as I break down the intricacies of boundaries in action!
First, let’s get clear about how boundaries come about. Boundaries are something learned early on in your family of origin. The way your parents manage boundaries impacted the way you learned about boundaries. This is why, for some of you, boundaries may be a foreign concept. If you didn’t have modeling of healthy boundaries growing up (which many people didn’t!!) Then you can’t be expected to know what boundaries are without being taught. So listen up! This is your moment to learn.
I want to share with you the two different types of boundaries, internal and external, and how your boundaries might fall on a spectrum from open to closed off, as well as what “healthy” looks like. I hope you can use this information to apply to your real life interactions so that you can understand these concepts in real world examples from your own life.
First, let’s talk internal vs. external boundaries.
Internal boundaries hold us in. They moderate what thoughts and feeling we let out, and how we choose to communicate. These boundaries are very important in our presentation of self. This allows us to move through the world and connect with others, form healthy bonds over time, and to protect our self esteem.
External boundaries hold other’s out. It keeps a space between “us” and “them”. It allows for a moment to reflect on whether someone’s thoughts and feelings are something we share, or whether they are separate from our own. It allows us to listen with compassion and empathy to someone else.
Now, let’s talk about how these boundaries might show up in your life depending on whether they are open or closed.
-Internal boundaries can be either too open (boundaryless) or too closed (wallled off).
Open boundaries would be someone who has a hard time filtering what they let out. They may share too many personal details too early in a relationship, or they may act out emotions in a way that puts others off. If someone is yelling and screaming, then they are boundaryless in that moment and not containing their emotions.
*The partner of someone with open internal boundaries may feel overwhelmed by their partner’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. They may react in a way to protect themselves from being sucked in.
Someone who has closed off internal boundaries will be shut down, and they will struggle to communicate their inner world to others. They may appear hyper independent, shut down, or quiet. They likely don’t even know they are being walled off, this is the only way they know how to be. They might stew over things in their head, become passive aggressive, or become depressed and shut down.
*The partner of someone with closed off internal boundaries may feel frustrated with their partner’s lack of sharing. They may try to pry information out.
-External boundaries can also be either too open or too closed.
Open external boundaries will mean that someone takes in the thoughts and feelings of others without really evaluating if those ideas fit with their own. They may take on moods form others, such as absorbing other’s bad moods, or they make take on the opinions of others even if they contradict their own thoughts. They may come off as needy, people pleasing, or dependent. This person may be a bit of a chameleon, flexing to fit the outside world rather than holding on to their own inner world.
*The partner of someone with open external boundaries may feel used, or may feel that their partner is too dependent on them. They may try to create distance.
Someone who has closed off external boundaries will appear unable or unwilling to take in ideas from other people. They can appear dense, closed off, or rejecting. They can struggle with allowing ideas into their own world. They may refuse to take in their partner’s perspective, or allow their mood to be impacted by their partner. They may be perceived as cold.
*The partner of someone with closed off external boundaries will begin to feel frustrated that their partner won’t take in their perspective, won’t shift their beliefs, or won’t allow their emotions to impact them. They may get louder and bigger or repeat things to try to feel like they are being heard.
What do healthy internal and external boundaries look like?
If you identified where you tend to fall on the boundary spectrum for internal and external boundaries, you can better identify how to move forward in a more relational “connected but protected” way.
-Healthy internal boundaries mean providing containment for yourself. Containment refers to the ability of you to interact with your own internal thoughts and feelings with kindness, support, and understanding. It means valuing your internal world and soothing yourself as needed. If anger arises, you can hold it and soothe it. You can communicate about your feelings without communicating directly FROM your feelings (ie. Talking about your anger rather than yelling out in anger). It also means that you value your own opinion and feelings without judging their right/wrongness.
-Healthy external boundaries means moderating what you let in from others, but also allowing other’s thoughts and feeling to influence your own. You can take a two step process. First, evaluate who is sharing feedback with you. Is it coming from someone you trust, someone who is knowledgable about this topic, or from multiple sources? If so, then it is worth taking it in and considering it. Then, if you’ve decided to consider it, you can compare it to what your thoughts or beliefs are. Do they share similarities? Can you allow this thought to change your own thoughts if there is evidence to support it? External boundaries are not meant to be walls. They are meant to be flexible and allow for an exchange of ideas and energy. When we have enough evidence from the outside, we should be able to override or shift our belief systems. This is healthy relating.
How can you implement some of these new strategies into your life to improve the way you are managing your boundaries? Can you see a path forward for how to improve your boundaries based on where you fall on the boundary spectrum?